Unforgivable

 I had a dream last night about my sperm donor. It was about my life up to date and it was the realist dream I've ever had. It woke me up with tears and all I could do was be pissed at myself because I instantly realized where I had learned to love a man who clearly loves me but treated/treats me like shit. He chose the bottle over me. Chose the streets over me. The women, the lifestyle. His baby girl was left defenseless and fatherless. Its just like a man to come into my life, leave an impression and then leave when its convenient. I don't exactly know why I have allowed this man to come in and affect me in any way being that his fuck up was another man's treasure and gift. My father, Dondi A. Smith, took me on as his own when he was only sixteen years old. I think back on what exactly I was doing when I was sixteen, and a lot of shit comes to mind, but I couldn't even fathom raising a child.....that wasn't mine....shit, I couldn't fathom doing that now. He has never questioned being in my life and he allowed me to be daddy's little girl....I'm still that curly haired girl crazy giddy about him.

I dont want it to come across as though I hate the one who wasn't there, because I don't. I actually always left a place in my life for him....when he wanted to decide to be there, I wasn't going to shut him out. Only thing is, he's been sober now for like 8 or 9 years...and he still int around. I thank God for my Aunt Steph (his sister) because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know that side of my family. Its only because of her that I see him when we're both around on holidays.  

Ill continue to pray that God brings peace to my heart on this situation.

The last pic I have of myself and John from 2007

I wrote this in high school and recently came across it:

Shallow goodbyes

Emotions and realism drowning
in a life that you began to choose,
but now has chosen you...
tight grips of invisibility wrapped around your ankles as you walk out into the shadows
for the time now that has been out counted.
Every blue moon rarely comes around
with you in its light.
Moist tears on the skin doesn't seem to be wet enough
and the pain in my cries doesn't seem to cut deep enough
you chose your other love.
my smiles weren't bright enough
my touch wasn't soft enough
your first born, your only baby girl was left in the dark.
left for a bottle.
The smell is unbearable,
the smell of death on your breath as you whisper, "you will always be daddy's little princess"
black in your eyes as you turn to say goodbye
eyes screaming to be free as the demon begins to come over you
....you no longer know yourself, no longer wanting to cling to me
leaving behind what you know to an endless pit.
I can hear your screams coming from a mouth that doesn't move.
your soul speaks to me...
begging and pleading, but your soul hasn't been set free.
A battle with the worlds, a war that began with you...
and only you can end.


The following is a piece I wrote my freshman year of college. the previous spoke about a man who caused pain in my life...and this one speaks about one who takes the pain away.... bare with me...it started as a poem and then my emotions just sort of ran all over the paper and it became thoughts:

Daddy's Little Girl

So tender and so young
new to the world, trying to set footsteps in the sand as I'm followed by the sun
with only a mother by my side, I'm only following one pair....did I really need 2?
A father is what you are to me,
Daddy's little girl is what I've been.



A smile slapped to my face from the beginning as you started out as my magician, my friend
Turning red lights to green was only the beginning,
as your magic began to make my world spin
I went from being a curly haired little girl,
to Daddy's little princess, being introduced to the new world
teaching me right from wrong, and showing me a REAL life...
never leaving me alone.

Im loving life right now, 13 years later...
with no doubt in my mind that you will always stand behind me
I still shed tears for the pain I feel I may have once caused
Thinking the route of blood was the best

My mother, my father and myself :) my rocks<3

finding that I was wrong and you were right
I have learned over these years that the water between us has changed
the blood that runs through your veins, is now running through mine

I appreciate and am greatly grateful for the father that I have
I am truly blessed for the man that has ALWAYS been in my life

I live a life, as crazy as it may seem, that I would never want to be replaced
and I am happy to say that you are a part of that reason.

I love you and I will always be Daddy's little girl