Today.

I've started this post and deleted it more than a few times. Trying to find the proper way to hook you in for what I need you to hear. What I need you to experience. I'll just... tell the damn story.

I woke up today not feeling the joy I tucked myself in with last night. I cried more tears than I'd like to admit to. Fucking frustrated--- I dressed myself for the day--- my tears becoming accessories for my desired look. I fought with my eyeliner. Battled with my mascara. The puffballs my eyes had turned into wanted nothing to do with how pretty I wanted to look/feel....

Don't you hate it when you can find a single pair of sunglasses? 

After digging, for what seemed like my life... I found my least favorite pair. Whatever.

I have no plan. I just know I need to get out... 

I decide... I'm just gonna ride the train from north to south and read. Clear my head. Then head home for a much needed nap before work. 

I Get to the train platform and barely touch my ass on the bench, where I plan to silently wait for my train... and this older gentleman... a brotha....with only 4 teeth at the bottom (yes, I counted) approached me. If you know me, you know I'm the ultimate lover. One of my purposes in life is to love. To remind those around me to love. I say that to say... any other day I would've embraced him IMMEDIATELY. But. Today, my least favorite pair of sunglasses hid my "not today" eye roll. 

I still sat and listened to what he was eager to share...

He spoke so much wisdom and life. Over MY life. It was as if we were friends and he knew exactly what I was feeling. 

We got on the train together. 

We got off at the same stop.

He wished me well. 

After walking a bit I decide I'd head back toward home. 

Again, I get to the platform and barely touch my ass on the bench where I plan to wait in silence... and the same man (Chris) approaches me. Determined to finish the convo we started previously. 

He said a lot. Some of which made no sense to me... but most of it, filling the parts of me I needed to be filled with. As my train approached... he told me that I was a blessing. I asked for a hug. And before he disappeared into the Marta smog... he handed me a handful of crumbled up 1s and demanded that I treat myself to ice cream. 

You can't tell me I didn't meet an Angel today xoxo

Thank you, Father. 

Majestic

You're my definition of closing my eyes, inhaling deep, ... Then my lungs releasing bullshit and instantly filling with peace.
You're my peace. My peace of mind.
This struggle to find silence in the world's loudness is beyond ridiculous until my presence was blessed with your being and your grasp of me. Accepting. Your desire to learn me is incredibly refreshing. I beg of you, please dont stop me from drowning.

I wish I knew how to paint the colors of you. Place you appropriately in my rainbow where your smile effortlessly defines the smile lines I can't keep from surfacing, I struggle to hide --- to put it simply, you amplify my everyday life.
You encourage my storm.
This majestic energy circling you reminds me to embrace the newly introduced parts of who ...I am.

Back so soon?

I shared my Me with a new being last night.
Compelled by the words that danced on his lips- effortlessly creating a craved for, sought after bliss- a dreamed up reality.
Not totally, but definitely, he scolded me for looking back.
Stacked so perfectly, behind me, I've organized all the bullshit and lies so that my backwards motion digging for pain to sulk in... Its  quick and easy to find.
My addiction. My old me.
" hello you,... Back so soon?"

Identity

To identify.
We describe self the way we've been taught.
Don't ask questions.
Accept.
Don't think. Smile pretty.
Silently. Just nod.
... in acceptance.
Pretending to understand what's obviously misunderstood.
About self.
Broken.
Not me. But I'd be lying if I said that didn't use to be me.
Movements made only to see those around me I craved to be pleased weren't.
Fuck it. Close eyes. In... Ex... Clear mind.
Joce, baby, focus.
On truth.
Which is hard to do when lies have been the core of the individual you were taught to identify.
Please, my love, just fly.

Drown

Eyes closed, deep breath in. 

Exhale out. 

How quickly my inner being naturally released the bullshit.

As if my soul was granted a new beginning allowing... This. This to fit. 

So perfectly. 

Effortlessly my lips curve with dancing smile lines as numb places begin to feel again. 

Big. Deep breath in. 

Anticipating this head first dive to eventually drain my breath of fresh air... Only to find that I swim just fine. 

This flow of our river is easy.

And not easy as in predictable because our lives still manueaver and turn...

But easy because of the willingness to learn the current. 

Understand it. Trust it. 

I'm swimming in you. Your waters... Mine too.

Mine has flown into yours and pours so effortlessly into this space we've created. 

Excuse me while I enjoy this drown. 

My Garden

My apple is not red.
In fact, my apple isn't an apple at all....only mistaken as one. Slowly, with each rotation of our Earth, my apple hides more of it's identity as it grows... but constantly sharing its sweetness,
What peaks my curiosity is not the actual hidden identity of this fruit but rather, how it remains so sweet? Never bitter. How its still bearing  and not been inhaled fully by the world's hunger. This majestic fruit-- constantly growing. Unidentified, but known,
Happiness petrifies me. Not enough to keep me from being....but enough to where I find difficulty to bask in it. The feeling of euphoria--naturally-- is intimidating beyond belief. The falseness of fear creating a reality for me to believe that things are too good to be true. Oh the fuckery. This river I've formed from the tears of my confessions is only given life--given the energy to flow when I begin to second guess myself. Swimming in it isn't pleasant. In truth, the current sometimes becomes too strong to just sit with my feet in it. My Garden of Eden wasn't grown with it---so as quickly as it appeared, I know it can disappear. No? Falsified fear can die. No? My tree of life grows strong... deeply rooted. & until this river no longer flows--- until it dries up, I'll sit on my life's highest branch. Chest to the sky, Sun giving me life. Basking in my sweet happiness.

Dried Rivers

We dream of moving on more than we dream of holding on. In the midst of breaking down, counting tears and learning that hurt only hurts as long as you allow it... I wrote this in 5 minutes. 

I held onto you.

Fought for what laughs around me and the smiles you gave me made me dream to be true.

To come to light.

I defended your love and bended the dreams I had while believing that you'd eventually fight for what you loved.

Hugs occassionally. Kisses not frequent enough. Touches of silk became rough.

To begin fights, questioning actions of spite and fathoming what shouldn't have been seeded.

Bleeding tears of blue rivers from thoughts of what could be or what had been us. Struck dumb fucked from reality when your actions spoke louder than any of your bitches could have.

How dare you. 

Let words of passion become have beens and what could ofs as they became poison.

Despise is too deep. So before I let the ink from this pen seep into my eyes as these blue rivers fall again to be inhaled back into my heart: good night.