My Inner Joy

I love my family. And when I say that I love them....I really mean, I love the hell out of my family. You're probably reading this thinking "doesnt everyone?" but I really love every single person in my family to pieces. If I could hug and squeeze em all tight enough for them to know it, I would. Everything I do is for them....like everything. And I'm not just talking about my mother, father, and sibling. I'm talking about every single one of my family members. All my aunts, uncles cousins, grandparents.... I live for them. Being here in Cincinnati without  them sometimes gets me on the blue side of my emotions. Growing up my family was the most tight knitted family  that I could have dreamt of. I am one of those people who is guilty of watching too much t.v. and expecting life to be like the Cosby's, Winslow's or hell....the Connor's (Roseanne for those who dont know....I LOVE THAT SHOW!!) My family definitely isnt what it use to be. As a kid my weekends consisted of slumber parties at my great grandmother's house with all of my cousin's.....making pallets on the living room floor watching Tles from the Crypt.  Every holiday I knew everyone would reconnect at THE family house (something like Big Mama's House) and I knew that if I didnt have anyone else in this world, I had them. Every single one of them. I miss it all. I think about going back to those times, often.

I despise that I've missed multiple baby showers, my little cousin Howie's high school graduation (he might hate that I still call him that), my brother's first homecoming, my sister's kindergartner graduation,  my dad's company picnics for the past 4 years (they go hard) and my family photo with my great grandma and all her grand-kids, Something needs to change!

"goons affiliated" was the caption Malon sent this with lol

My diva

When I think of my family the one major soft spot that I have is for my brother, Malon and baby sister, Sydney. I wish I could see their faces every day; I havent seen them since February. They are the only two people in this world that can turn my day completely around when I just hear their voices. It saddens me when I think about how I'm not there for them right now. I'm not apart of anything that either one of them are doing, I dont get to experience those highlighted moments in their lives, and sometimes I wonder if they feel neglected. May sound silly but I'm the oldest, which essentially means I was like mommy #2 growing up. In GA with just my mom, I had some serious responsibilty, and Malon and Sydney were my shadows. So to go from being there everyday to help my brother with his homework, change my sister's diapers, make dinner for them and put them to bed on those nights when my mother was working her third job of the day, and then going to only seeing them a few times a year, it makes me feel like I'm failing as a big sister. I feel a certain kind of way that I didnt know my sister was playing the piano until two months down the line....or that I find out about all of my brother's teenage "issues" via Facebook.

I talked to my pops yesterday and he made me feel pretty good...as always....im such a daddy's  girl. We were really shut shootin shit not really talking about anything important and he brought up a conversation him and my brother had the day before. I cant lie, I was initially nervous when he told me him and Malon had a talk about me. But he then proceeded to tell me some things that made feel like Im not so much of a failure as a big sister. Malon had told hime that he really appreciates me.....Im still taken back when I think about it. He told my dad that he appreciates the little things that I do....everything from my random text messages telling him he better be acting right or my foots in his ass, to the intiative ive taken to get to know his girlfriend (once again via FB...hey, I gotta make sure she isnt some type of hussy trying to catch my brother up in any tye of nonsense #SUEme.) I cant lie, I thought my dad was telling me some type of fiblet but then my brother reached out and told me he missed me and that he wants to come down and visit. That istantly put a smile on my face....and I hate to admit it, but it brought tears to my eyes. Im such a mush.

Sydney during her summer program at Ohio Dominican. My baby genius :)

Even though my family isn't as close as we all use to be, I just hope they all know that I'm loving them even harder than I ever have before. Words cant describe how much I truly value them I wish we all weren't so spread apart.... Ohio, Georgia, Cali.... we need a family reunion ASAP.

Malon and my Pops. First homecoming

Morning beauties <3

Unforgivable

 I had a dream last night about my sperm donor. It was about my life up to date and it was the realist dream I've ever had. It woke me up with tears and all I could do was be pissed at myself because I instantly realized where I had learned to love a man who clearly loves me but treated/treats me like shit. He chose the bottle over me. Chose the streets over me. The women, the lifestyle. His baby girl was left defenseless and fatherless. Its just like a man to come into my life, leave an impression and then leave when its convenient. I don't exactly know why I have allowed this man to come in and affect me in any way being that his fuck up was another man's treasure and gift. My father, Dondi A. Smith, took me on as his own when he was only sixteen years old. I think back on what exactly I was doing when I was sixteen, and a lot of shit comes to mind, but I couldn't even fathom raising a child.....that wasn't mine....shit, I couldn't fathom doing that now. He has never questioned being in my life and he allowed me to be daddy's little girl....I'm still that curly haired girl crazy giddy about him.

I dont want it to come across as though I hate the one who wasn't there, because I don't. I actually always left a place in my life for him....when he wanted to decide to be there, I wasn't going to shut him out. Only thing is, he's been sober now for like 8 or 9 years...and he still int around. I thank God for my Aunt Steph (his sister) because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know that side of my family. Its only because of her that I see him when we're both around on holidays.  

Ill continue to pray that God brings peace to my heart on this situation.

The last pic I have of myself and John from 2007

I wrote this in high school and recently came across it:

Shallow goodbyes

Emotions and realism drowning
in a life that you began to choose,
but now has chosen you...
tight grips of invisibility wrapped around your ankles as you walk out into the shadows
for the time now that has been out counted.
Every blue moon rarely comes around
with you in its light.
Moist tears on the skin doesn't seem to be wet enough
and the pain in my cries doesn't seem to cut deep enough
you chose your other love.
my smiles weren't bright enough
my touch wasn't soft enough
your first born, your only baby girl was left in the dark.
left for a bottle.
The smell is unbearable,
the smell of death on your breath as you whisper, "you will always be daddy's little princess"
black in your eyes as you turn to say goodbye
eyes screaming to be free as the demon begins to come over you
....you no longer know yourself, no longer wanting to cling to me
leaving behind what you know to an endless pit.
I can hear your screams coming from a mouth that doesn't move.
your soul speaks to me...
begging and pleading, but your soul hasn't been set free.
A battle with the worlds, a war that began with you...
and only you can end.


The following is a piece I wrote my freshman year of college. the previous spoke about a man who caused pain in my life...and this one speaks about one who takes the pain away.... bare with me...it started as a poem and then my emotions just sort of ran all over the paper and it became thoughts:

Daddy's Little Girl

So tender and so young
new to the world, trying to set footsteps in the sand as I'm followed by the sun
with only a mother by my side, I'm only following one pair....did I really need 2?
A father is what you are to me,
Daddy's little girl is what I've been.



A smile slapped to my face from the beginning as you started out as my magician, my friend
Turning red lights to green was only the beginning,
as your magic began to make my world spin
I went from being a curly haired little girl,
to Daddy's little princess, being introduced to the new world
teaching me right from wrong, and showing me a REAL life...
never leaving me alone.

Im loving life right now, 13 years later...
with no doubt in my mind that you will always stand behind me
I still shed tears for the pain I feel I may have once caused
Thinking the route of blood was the best

My mother, my father and myself :) my rocks<3

finding that I was wrong and you were right
I have learned over these years that the water between us has changed
the blood that runs through your veins, is now running through mine

I appreciate and am greatly grateful for the father that I have
I am truly blessed for the man that has ALWAYS been in my life

I live a life, as crazy as it may seem, that I would never want to be replaced
and I am happy to say that you are a part of that reason.

I love you and I will always be Daddy's little girl

....I Just Crush A lot

Who remembers the days when dating was so simple? When liking someone didn't have to be so difficult.... "I like you, you like me....match made in heaven." High school.... those were the days. The days when barriers and the great wall of China didn't have to be up to protect the fragile, no quite mature, heart. I'm feeling like a kid again. It's been some years since Ive had butterflies or blushed at the thought or sight of that certain someone; I'm beginning to feel that way. I have a damn crush. I'm 22 years old with a crush?!?! WTH?! However, Greek Proverbs says, "A heart that loves is always young."

It's a sticky situation. I've never been a fan of turning good friends into lovers, being the last time I did that I lost a best friend when things went sour. I don't exactly know what to do :-/ I wonder if one of those letters that had the "check yes or no box" at the bottom would work???....only via email, twitter, or FB....sadly, that was a serious question o_0 *sigh* I'm such a sap.

The dynamics of dating definitely changes once we're no longer children. It's really unfortunate that the first thought that crosses my mind when I'm interested in someone is "What's his motive?" I really despise being defensive and protective. I'm a free spirit, and I hate to sound like a hippie but I wish the love could just flow. Let's make love, not war. I don't want to be tainted by the last and possibly ruin having someone in my life that's all around amazing.  He makes me smile, blush, giggle, nervous, giddy. I'm like a moth being drawn into the flame. I've been burnt by that fire before, but I'm willing to take the chances of being hurt again *crossing fingers*. I find myself even really enjoying the things he does, and not just because he does it.....I want to be his muse. (I'm trying to find every metaphor possible, if you cant tell).

 Not being mentally available for the past year definitely has me needing to take Dating 101 all over again. Maybe someone out there can give me a few tips?

Friends.....How Many of Us Have Them

Lately, Ive been thinking about the people that are in my life, and the dynamic of the relationships. Who I consider a friend, why I consider them such and who falls in that aquaintance/wishy washy category (i like to call them my bar friends...because 9 time out of 10, ill only have a drink or two with them at the bar....on weekends...every other blue moon.) I consider myself a likable and friendly person, so I really think I could build a friendship with just about anyone, as long as they value their relationships the way that I do. But it completely boggles my mind to witness so many individuals who dont value the relationships they have built.

Growing up I had a serious issue with people not liking who I was. Saying negative things about me, when I never was that type to do the same. My mother had multiple sit-down conversations with me to try and get me to realize that everyone was not my friend. Took awhile for me to really grasp that, but after coming across an array of different type of individuals I'm okay with having my few number of genuine friends. Contrary to popular belief, the saying "birds of a feather flock together" isnt completely true. Most people think that friendships are usually built off of common interests but I can honestly say, for the most part, my closest friends and I are actually quite different. Not only are our interests different, but we dont even necessarily have the same opinion on sky full of different topics. One thing I can say, we may be different individuals....like completely different almost, but the one common factor that makes things awesome is the fact that we all value one another the same. We take pride in claiming one another as family (in my book, if I can consider you a friend, then you might as well be my family).

I'm sure many people are reading this post wondering why I decided to share that little bit of info because it might almost seem random or pointless. Guess I just want everyone to be aware of the company they keep and the people they might consider as friends. Every relationship has its ups and downs but if there's ever a moment when you have to wonder what someones intentions are for being in your life, then maybe you should reevaluate that situation. #Subliminal on so many levels....but not to anyone in particular.

Just want my friends to know how much I Love and Value them. You are all really one in a million :)
Have a blessed day

That Ugly, Dark,....often times, Scary Cloud

I find it unbelievably difficult to understand the things that take place around me. I'm constantly trying to find new and better ways to grow as ME and stop living the lives of, what seems to be, life sucking, venomous, individuals. I guess I shouldn't expect to be untouchable, but damn, can I live for one moment without being touched by THE touch of death? I'm screaming to be set free. From these shackles of what the devil has portrayed my life to be, and from the deep wounds from the words of the demented that slip so smoothly and carefree from the tongues of nobodies? Will there ever be a time,...moment....well, hell, a millisecond when I can live not in fear of being hurt by that next man, or friend. Mother, sister, brother, father, enemy. At this point in my life, I put nothing past anyone. And that alone brings tears to my eyes.

I remember when I was in middle school; I had entirely too much weighing on my heart to only be fourteen. I remember my Mother's words. "You can either do what I did and let the harshness of the world turn you cold and numb. Or you can remain the sweet, warm young woman that you are. Choose wisely"  Cant say that I ever actually put forth any type of effort to keep my spirit from being tainted. Tainted by the bullshit sweet nothings of the world. However, I can say that I have not let the world turn my spirit cold. But just because the world hasn't turned me into a bitter soul doesn't mean I'm not that much more careful. I've lived enough to know enough about people and the damage they can cause, if allowed to creep in uninvited. I'm still that sweet, warm female....I just view people and situations on a different level. Excuse me if I take flight.

Enough

One of my all time favorite quotes from Sex and the City:

In love relationships, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact, it's a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. To some, pain implies growth. But how do we know when the growing pains stop, and the pain pains take over? Are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships, how do we know when enough is enough? ~Carrie

I remember the first time I heard this quote on the show, I immediately opened my laptop and googled it just so I could read it over and over....and over again. I think it even became my Facebook status. During that time, I was in a relationship where this quote fit to a T, but I still havent been able to answer the question: When is enough simply enough?

As a female Ive had my fair share of heart break, or not so fair share depending on how you look at it. Ive also had many, if not all, of my female friends go through similar, if not the same, ol' BS that I had to experience, but the question still stands. When do we as women (sorry fellas) know when to just step away from a relationship and take it as a L? I am completely guilty of dragging on a relationship until there was nothing left but slick tongues with bitter words. Is there an actual point in a relationship when it begins to go sour when you should cut your loses and call it a day? Ive always been taught that you put your best foot forward and try to make the best of evey situation, but there has to be a better way of thinking when it comes to relationships. 

After having a recent conversation with one of my girl friends I had somewhat of an epiphany. I think us women need to start thinking a lot clearer with our minds and stop feeling with our hearts so much. Sounds simple but lets me real, we're women. Now, I hate to sounds like the "bitter bitch" however, there's reality to it all, and relaity is, we have to stop allowing the roller coasters of death take place (and yes, they can and will kill you). There shouldn't ever be a moment in any relationship where you begin to question who you are as a woman, and once those thoughts start to creep along, RUN....and quickly. Trust me when I say, if you dont, you'll look up 6months down the road and the two of you are doing the same ol' stale two-step and you've begun to settle in the mediocrity your love life has turned into. 


Ive got a story for you a guys:


Let's take Amy for example. Amy was with this guy, Paul, for a few years. First year, everything was bliss, the way it usually is. Half way through the second year, Amy and Paul began to have....differences. Paul thought it was okay to have sex with other women, Amy saw it as an issue. Instead of Amy putting her foot down on the situation immediately, she put up with it the best way she knew how. She pretended nothing was going on. *Bad call Amy* Hoping that things would change, she never left but she gave him an ear full every time the occasion presented itself. This once blissful relationship had turned sour and now Amy had turned into the woman she never wanted to be. That tango took place for another LOOOONNNGGG year and then Paul finally decided that he didn't want to be with her. So not only did this bastard take Amy through hell and back, but he had also managed to break Amy down to damn near nothing, and then, the twist, HE LEAVES HER??? 


Amy, being the determined person she was, she continued to find some way some how to fix what they once had. Paul, not exactly sure why Amy would want to stick around, allowed her to do just that. He kept her around, but in the meantime did as he pleased and pretty much dared her to complain.

Why would any man want any woman that allows him to mess around with other women? This question can be raised about several different relationship issues, not just cheating. I can speak from experience when I say, all it does it make them have less respect for you (if they had much to begin with being he decided to step out in the first place). Amy, just like many other women, should have set in stone right then and there of the things she would and would not put up with. 


Take more pride and respect in who you are as a woman, stop settling for less. How many languages does he have to say it to make it clear that he's an egotistical asshole who doesn't feel like changing his ways? It's one thing to have your occasional differences, Fix it. But when the same issue continues to present itself and everything spirals downward who can we really blame but ourselves? We allowed it.

Starting Over

We've all had that moment (or moments, depending on how indecisive we are) in our lives where we wanted to just, simply, "Start Over". Not start over as in, be born again or completely uproot our lives and move to another city, state, or country, but start over with a new mind set on a situation or life style. I've personally started over with everything from relationships, religion, career to health, beauty, wardrobe, etc etc (trust me, the list goes on....guess I can be labeled as one of  those indecisive people).Cant speak for anyone else, but I know that when I'm "starting over" I'm hopeful that everything else in my life will fall suit, and then 3months down the line *cue Superman music* LIFE'S PEACHY KEEN.

Last time that I decided I would "Start Over" it was because of a relationship... an individual that I had allow to control and waste way too much of my daily thinking. Lets just say....fools definitely do fall in love. I didn't exactly know how I was going to so-called "Start Over" but now that I'm looking back on it, it wasn't in a very healthy way. Guess the booze and other men didn't exactly fill that void. I wasn't exactly trying to better the Gypsy within, I was more like, trying to take my mind off of one life issue and focus on another 0_o Backwards right? Yea, my thoughts exactly.

So, recently, I decided that I would, yet again, have another moment of "Starting Over" but this time I wanted to do it the correct way (if there's a such thing). For quite some time my main focus has been off, how to be happy with MOI was not on the top of my list of priorities, I was more focused on how to keep the people I care for and love the most happy. At the end of the day, when I laid my wet hair down on my pillow, I wasn't happy with me, and I had no one but myself to blame. Too often people have stereotyped me as "conceited", "self indulged", say things like "she thing she's the sh*t", oh and my all time favorite "she's materialistic" blah blah blah blah (gotta love em). But lets just say, you thought I was conceited before, HA! With this new attitude and mind set that I have right now, you really haven't seen anything. And I mean that in the most conceited way possible.

I've made a vow to myself to start doing those little things that I use to do that made me, me. For example, this blog. Now, I've never had a blog before, but is there anyone out there who's ever heard of OpenDiary.com? Lol (I just chuckled). Okay, it may sound a little weird but it's a website where you can sign up to have an online diary. You can either make your posts private or public, pretty much a blog....with that definition I guess I have had a blog before *shrug* (BTW if you've never been to the website, check it out. You could either come across your typical teen drama or some pretty good stuff...you might even come across some of my old break up poetry 0_0) Anyhoo, back to the main focus here, this blog is me getting back to me. I've always enjoyed writing about my feels, thoughts, life.... don't exactly know why I stopped. But damn it....IM STARTING AGAIN! :) Along with the blog I've decided to take a few steps in living a healthier life. Like right now, I'm starving, yea I know, it doesn't sound exactly healthy, but it is, I promise I'm not starving myself. I'm actually doing a Juice cleansing. It's where I only intake freshly juiced vegetables and fruits for 10days. Following that, I eat only raw food for 30 days (for those of you who might wonder what I mean by 'raw foods', I'm talking fruits and veggies...but in a solid form. Believe me, people have asked) I'm only on day one, pray for me.

 During this time of cleansing I'll not only get my body back to its somewhat 'natural' state, but I'll be doing some heavy duty meditating (prayer, once again for those who may wonder) to get my mind right, as in my mother's words. I need to find my center,....again.

I encourage everyone to fall in love with themselves, if they haven't already done so. Once I fell back in love with my inner Gypsy, I realized that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I just have to continue to do those little things to make sure I stay in love with me. Many don't realize that just as easy as it is to focus so much energy and time on other people it makes it that much easier to not focus on yourself and to fall out of love with you.

So, for the next few months I'm *cue Superman music* INDULGING in me