Dried Rivers

We dream of moving on more than we dream of holding on. In the midst of breaking down, counting tears and learning that hurt only hurts as long as you allow it... I wrote this in 5 minutes. 

I held onto you.

Fought for what laughs around me and the smiles you gave me made me dream to be true.

To come to light.

I defended your love and bended the dreams I had while believing that you'd eventually fight for what you loved.

Hugs occassionally. Kisses not frequent enough. Touches of silk became rough.

To begin fights, questioning actions of spite and fathoming what shouldn't have been seeded.

Bleeding tears of blue rivers from thoughts of what could be or what had been us. Struck dumb fucked from reality when your actions spoke louder than any of your bitches could have.

How dare you. 

Let words of passion become have beens and what could ofs as they became poison.

Despise is too deep. So before I let the ink from this pen seep into my eyes as these blue rivers fall again to be inhaled back into my heart: good night.  

Return

Trying to understand the flow of the river is like trying to figure out the mystery of life.

How'd it begin---- how did the river bend where it did? 

Giving me just enough time to dive out, not in. Before I drowned.

Found. 

A piece of life I thought I tossed to the wind

To be lost just as deep and numb as the other pieces. 

Unfind. Unfound. Bury. Dig. Deep. Dark. Tossed. Ugly.

Unseen.

To lose again. To turn backs against walls

Lose sight of the climb-- fuck the fall. 

Bullshit

We're taught to dream. 

To reach beyond the imaginable, fathom the unthinkable...

And become. 

Young and naive we dream to believe that dreaming is even possible.

We're taught to love. 

Or at least we're suppose to be.

Be wrapped in affection --- love hard and treat nobody less than...

Or at least we're suppose to be.

These life lessons full of bullshit.

We're suppose to grow and be free,

With these shackles of life around our ankles still invisible. 

Our minds so blissful. 

Never to know fear.

At least that's what we're suppose to be. 

How do you dodge life? How do you doge the fight ? The fear? 

The death at the ankles of your roots that's determined to deafen you? Kill you? Be sure that you lose ?

We fear.

I fear. 

I fear to the point where death is accepted. 

And by death I mean- life being neglected.

 No need for dreams and hugs.

Hell. Fuck love. 

Grounded

To be free.

Arms stretched- wings open,

Me --- accepting all

Grasping MY reality.

Accepting the things I thought defined me-- all lies.

Accepting that my life definition won't appease most,

Sitting on a high horse to boast about my findings of what you define as "happiness."

I'm free-- or at least freeing.

My love. My spirit. My energy. My everything.

Can I dance? 

These wings open to the sky,

To fly would be impossible.

I'm not meant to leave the ground, for I am bound and weighed down-- too much to fly. 

But let me dance.

Blissfully entangled in my web of reality.

Stretching free, moon high, please climb with me.

Let's dance my dance on this dirt. Feel the earth. Between toes. 

Lets be free. 

Flowers

It takes a strong mind. A disciplined one. To wake up with a smile, greet your reflection with a smile.... Connect with others with what you have. Happiness. I'll speak for myself when I say, I was taught at a young age to allow people and things to create my happiness. Finding joy out of pleasing. But how many times did I look away from the person I effected positively and was unhappy with... Me? Too many to count. This past year has been a growth journey  for me and for the first time in my life I can say... I'm happy with Jocelyn. Really happy is an understatement but I haven't exactly found a way to put it into words. People and things only add to my joy. 

I'd rather have a flower in my hair than diamonds around my neck💋