Heart cry.

What to do when the heart cries for what the mind created? Like forgetting how to fly. I know I can...yet I can't get off the ground. The smile on my face grows heavy. Even with the hope of more fish sustains the flame ....yet again, why does the heart cry for what's created in the brain? 

Digging

As time passes and hearts heal.... I'm reminded of the fragile state of happiness. I search for quiet places that good memories can come to surface, smiles can be remembered and curve the lips upward... If only for a short time. Swinging. Sitting in this tree swing with only the sound of a nearby cricket and the clicking of my keyboard as I type, I remember how loud silence can actually be. It's only so long reality of things we wished were only fiction can be pushed far enough back to never come to surface. If only we could program our minds to remember all the good and trash the bad. Never to think twice again about decisions we could've made differently, the regrets we say to the public we don't regret but in fact wish we could go back and change. I'm digging again. Digging for a happy place. 

Go easy.

Eventually we arrive at a place in our lives where we let go of the fear of losing people we hold near and dear to our hearts. We let go of the expectations and we stop trying to dig for clues and explanations of why people are in our lives and why they do the things they do. We begin to accept them for who they are and the role they've played for us. We bury people. No matter who they are. Family, friend, enemy. At least we should learn to. Well....I'll speak for myself. Ive arrived at such a place.

Arriving in a place where Jocelyn makes Jocelyn happier than anyone else was ever been capable of doing. It's bliss. Being okay and in love with the idea of being alone is the happiest place I've ever been. Living for ME and finding self gratification in something so "simple" has opened my eyes to beautiful things about myself that I once thought were flaws. I stand alone. With only the hand of GOD'S fingers laced between my own. Ive never identified myself as a religious individual.... but spiritual, I Am.

Ive stopped placing people on pedestals. Ive allowed people to have flaws. I remember some years back, someone who was the closest to me, someone I had compared others to, someone I had believed was an example of how people should be....let me down. My world crashed. My expectations of homosapiens crumbled before me. I didn't have that shiny trophy of a person to guide me. That high position they held became one hell of a place. That was my life lesson, that we're all human, bound to make mistakes. Sounds cliche I know. But that was MY reality.

My reality as of current: Live for me. For my expectations. Dancing like no one is watching. I find fulfillment and pleasure in appeasing myself and holding myself to one hell of a standard.

NP: Renegade- Kings of Convenience