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Monday, August 30, 2010

My Inner Joy


I love my family. And when I say that I love them....I really mean, I love the hell out of my family. You're probably reading this thinking "doesnt everyone?" but I really love every single person in my family to pieces. If I could hug and squeeze em all tight enough for them to know it, I would. Everything I do is for them....like everything. And I'm not just talking about my mother, father, and sibling. I'm talking about every single one of my family members. All my aunts, uncles cousins, grandparents.... I live for them. Being here in Cincinnati without  them sometimes gets me on the blue side of my emotions. Growing up my family was the most tight knitted family  that I could have dreamt of. I am one of those people who is guilty of watching too much t.v. and expecting life to be like the Cosby's, Winslow's or hell....the Connor's (Roseanne for those who dont know....I LOVE THAT SHOW!!) My family definitely isnt what it use to be. As a kid my weekends consisted of slumber parties at my great grandmother's house with all of my cousin's.....making pallets on the living room floor watching Tles from the Crypt.  Every holiday I knew everyone would reconnect at THE family house (something like Big Mama's House) and I knew that if I didnt have anyone else in this world, I had them. Every single one of them. I miss it all. I think about going back to those times, often.

I despise that I've missed multiple baby showers, my little cousin Howie's high school graduation (he might hate that I still call him that), my brother's first homecoming, my sister's kindergartner graduation,  my dad's company picnics for the past 4 years (they go hard) and my family photo with my great grandma and all her grand-kids, Something needs to change!
"goons affiliated" was the caption Malon sent this with lol


My diva
When I think of my family the one major soft spot that I have is for my brother, Malon and baby sister, Sydney. I wish I could see their faces every day; I havent seen them since February. They are the only two people in this world that can turn my day completely around when I just hear their voices. It saddens me when I think about how I'm not there for them right now. I'm not apart of anything that either one of them are doing, I dont get to experience those highlighted moments in their lives, and sometimes I wonder if they feel neglected. May sound silly but I'm the oldest, which essentially means I was like mommy #2 growing up. In GA with just my mom, I had some serious responsibilty, and Malon and Sydney were my shadows. So to go from being there everyday to help my brother with his homework, change my sister's diapers, make dinner for them and put them to bed on those nights when my mother was working her third job of the day, and then going to only seeing them a few times a year, it makes me feel like I'm failing as a big sister. I feel a certain kind of way that I didnt know my sister was playing the piano until two months down the line....or that I find out about all of my brother's teenage "issues" via Facebook.

I talked to my pops yesterday and he made me feel pretty good...as always....im such a daddy's  girl. We were really shut shootin shit not really talking about anything important and he brought up a conversation him and my brother had the day before. I cant lie, I was initially nervous when he told me him and Malon had a talk about me. But he then proceeded to tell me some things that made feel like Im not so much of a failure as a big sister. Malon had told hime that he really appreciates me.....Im still taken back when I think about it. He told my dad that he appreciates the little things that I do....everything from my random text messages telling him he better be acting right or my foots in his ass, to the intiative ive taken to get to know his girlfriend (once again via FB...hey, I gotta make sure she isnt some type of hussy trying to catch my brother up in any tye of nonsense #SUEme.) I cant lie, I thought my dad was telling me some type of fiblet but then my brother reached out and told me he missed me and that he wants to come down and visit. That istantly put a smile on my face....and I hate to admit it, but it brought tears to my eyes. Im such a mush.

Sydney during her summer program at Ohio Dominican. My baby genius :)
Even though my family isn't as close as we all use to be, I just hope they all know that I'm loving them even harder than I ever have before. Words cant describe how much I truly value them I wish we all weren't so spread apart.... Ohio, Georgia, Cali.... we need a family reunion ASAP.

Malon and my Pops. First homecoming

Morning beauties <3

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