Maybe someone can help me out with this one.....what is the point of an open relationship when married??? I've recently had a number of conversations with individuals who are married, male and female, that are into the whole swinging thing.... now...rumor has it, Will and Jada have lasted as long as they have because they're swingers. Is it really that difficult these days to be in a happy, committed marriage without having to step that far out of the box?
I've lost count of the times I've been invited into a marriage for the night. They want to wine and dine me and then....yea, you know the rest. Judge me if you like, but the only way I'd even consider it is if I've been provided a day at the spa, a nice brazilain wax, teeth whitened, a new fit for the occassion and was STILL compensated for my services,.... and another compensation for the disclosure agreement they'd have to agree to. What I look like??? Believe me when I say, no one can afford me. Especially with the drama that is sure to follow.... I'm pretty addictive.
I can kind of understand having sex with the same person for the rest of your life can get redundant, but as the territorial woman that I am, I wish a *bleep* would even dream of touching my HUSBAND. I know many of you have seen the episode of The Game when Melanie was trying to spice up the sex life in her marriage by bringing a third party to the bedroom. At the end of the day, she kicked the trick out. Why? Because the sight of another woman with her man made her sick.
I'll pass with that whole idea, whether I'm the wife or the third party. Anyone out there who thinks differently??
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Funnel of Injustice
So, I just left a class of mine that really burnt my toast. The discussion today was about the Criminal "Justice" system, and it was incredibly mind blowing to hear so many people feel so strongly about a topic that’s very clear they truly know nothing about.
Let me just say that I do believe there are individuals who commit crimes who should be imprisoned and that’s that. But lets look at the reality of prisons. First, they are seen in the economic world as gold mines. Corporations such as Victoria's Secret, Microsoft, Starbucks, Lee Jeans, and Nintendo (just to name a few) all make money using prison labor. Yes, you read that correctly. Your cute little Vicki Secret thong was mass produced by prisoners who don’t have to be paid minimum wage, who aren’t provided with health benefits, or covered by worker's comp.
I read an article that has this crazy chart showing the differences in the amount spent on an inmate vs. the amount that teachers are paid (CRAZY CHART) <
Okay, another little stat, I learned in my Black Adolescent Male class, that only 33% of young black males are graduating from high school in Cincinnati. So we look at the fact that there really isn’t that much of a gap between the salary of a teacher here in the state of Ohio and the cost of keeping someone incarcerated and we begin to make sense of all this nonsense. Everyone would have to be completely oblivious to society if they didn’t agree with me when I say, the media has its way of creating a face for crime, and that face is the face of a black man. People of color are disproportionately arrested. Society has already taken it upon itself to believe the stereotype that black men are violent and criminals. That stereotype the mass media has fed into leads to people placing more money into prisons, and essentially leaving our school systems without the proper funding. It's a vicious cycle.
Not So Fun Fact:
*Possession of 500 grams of powder cocaine is a minimum sentence of 5years
*Possession of any amount of crack cocaine is mandatory minimum sentence of 5years
Questions to ask yourself:
Who is more likely to have possesion of crack cocain? Who is more like to have possession of powder cocaine?
How much is 500 grams? A: OVER A POUND!
So you mean to tell me, I can have over a pound of powder cocaine and a gram of crack cocaine and I'm gonna go to jail for the same amount of time? hmmmm...okay.
I guess I just said all of that to get everyone's wheels turning, get some dialogue going, and to make people want to be conscious about how our Criminal "Justice" systems are and how it really is affecting society and the economy. White collar crimes, such as fraud and embezzlement cost more than robberies, burglaries, and auto theft combined, yet they are less likely to be detected or even seen as criminals.
All of that was just FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
Good day people.
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| My attempt to Make a Chart....The Funnel of Injustice |
So, I just left a class of mine that really burnt my toast. The discussion today was about the Criminal "Justice" system, and it was incredibly mind blowing to hear so many people feel so strongly about a topic that’s very clear they truly know nothing about.
Let me just say that I do believe there are individuals who commit crimes who should be imprisoned and that’s that. But lets look at the reality of prisons. First, they are seen in the economic world as gold mines. Corporations such as Victoria's Secret, Microsoft, Starbucks, Lee Jeans, and Nintendo (just to name a few) all make money using prison labor. Yes, you read that correctly. Your cute little Vicki Secret thong was mass produced by prisoners who don’t have to be paid minimum wage, who aren’t provided with health benefits, or covered by worker's comp.
I read an article that has this crazy chart showing the differences in the amount spent on an inmate vs. the amount that teachers are paid (CRAZY CHART) <
Okay, another little stat, I learned in my Black Adolescent Male class, that only 33% of young black males are graduating from high school in Cincinnati. So we look at the fact that there really isn’t that much of a gap between the salary of a teacher here in the state of Ohio and the cost of keeping someone incarcerated and we begin to make sense of all this nonsense. Everyone would have to be completely oblivious to society if they didn’t agree with me when I say, the media has its way of creating a face for crime, and that face is the face of a black man. People of color are disproportionately arrested. Society has already taken it upon itself to believe the stereotype that black men are violent and criminals. That stereotype the mass media has fed into leads to people placing more money into prisons, and essentially leaving our school systems without the proper funding. It's a vicious cycle.
Not So Fun Fact:
*Possession of 500 grams of powder cocaine is a minimum sentence of 5years
*Possession of any amount of crack cocaine is mandatory minimum sentence of 5years
Questions to ask yourself:
Who is more likely to have possesion of crack cocain? Who is more like to have possession of powder cocaine?
How much is 500 grams? A: OVER A POUND!
So you mean to tell me, I can have over a pound of powder cocaine and a gram of crack cocaine and I'm gonna go to jail for the same amount of time? hmmmm...okay.
I guess I just said all of that to get everyone's wheels turning, get some dialogue going, and to make people want to be conscious about how our Criminal "Justice" systems are and how it really is affecting society and the economy. White collar crimes, such as fraud and embezzlement cost more than robberies, burglaries, and auto theft combined, yet they are less likely to be detected or even seen as criminals.
All of that was just FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
Good day people.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Letting Go...
How do you know when to move on and let go of the thought " he/she is going to be my husband/wife someday"? How do you know when to let go of the memories of bliss that the two of you seemed to dwell in at one point in time?
I feel like such a girl when I say this,... I dont know how. I dont know how to cut him completely out of my life, I dont know how to let go of the memories, I dont know how to stop loving his family like they're my own, I dont know how to be more angry from the pain he caused then happy from the smiles he put on my face. Or maybe I dont want to?
It's going on two years since its ended and I dont know why or even how he can still be in my mental. How he was and still is able to affect my daily life. From things that he said that were hurtful and will probably always remain in the back of my mind (hopefully not always) to the things that he said he loved about me that keeps me going as the person he met and knew.
Ive gone a week and three days without speaking to him....which is quite a long time when we normally talk everyday. I dont know why Ive taken the stance of not speaking to him. I mean....I kinda know why. A convo...it sparked old, hurt feelings... got my wheels turning in the negative way it did when we first split... I ran. Now, like I always do, Im second guessing my decision.
I dont even know what I expect from him. I thought it was just friendship....just having him there in my life....having my best friend back....(he was my best friend before he was ever a lover). But five years later.....five years he's been in my life, and I dont know if I can just have him in my life as a friend. I battled LONG with what other, important, people in my life would think if I went back. And after all this time, after all this bullshit, after all these mixed emotions and this crazy dumb game of tug-a-war.....i dont care. I dont care what my mother has to say, or my best friend....I dont even care what the egotistical side of Jocelyn has to say. No one knows the love that him and I had......have.... no one will ever understand.
Maybe Im dumb.
I dont want to let go. I never have. I love you and I always will. But I cant play second fiddle to what ever you feel is more important than me. I cant hide or lie about our friendship to sugar coat anyone else's feelings. I cant pretend that the past 5 years doesnt affect me.....and because of all of that, I cant let you remain in my life. Not like this.
I feel like such a girl when I say this,... I dont know how. I dont know how to cut him completely out of my life, I dont know how to let go of the memories, I dont know how to stop loving his family like they're my own, I dont know how to be more angry from the pain he caused then happy from the smiles he put on my face. Or maybe I dont want to?
It's going on two years since its ended and I dont know why or even how he can still be in my mental. How he was and still is able to affect my daily life. From things that he said that were hurtful and will probably always remain in the back of my mind (hopefully not always) to the things that he said he loved about me that keeps me going as the person he met and knew.
Ive gone a week and three days without speaking to him....which is quite a long time when we normally talk everyday. I dont know why Ive taken the stance of not speaking to him. I mean....I kinda know why. A convo...it sparked old, hurt feelings... got my wheels turning in the negative way it did when we first split... I ran. Now, like I always do, Im second guessing my decision.
I dont even know what I expect from him. I thought it was just friendship....just having him there in my life....having my best friend back....(he was my best friend before he was ever a lover). But five years later.....five years he's been in my life, and I dont know if I can just have him in my life as a friend. I battled LONG with what other, important, people in my life would think if I went back. And after all this time, after all this bullshit, after all these mixed emotions and this crazy dumb game of tug-a-war.....i dont care. I dont care what my mother has to say, or my best friend....I dont even care what the egotistical side of Jocelyn has to say. No one knows the love that him and I had......have.... no one will ever understand.
Maybe Im dumb.
I dont want to let go. I never have. I love you and I always will. But I cant play second fiddle to what ever you feel is more important than me. I cant hide or lie about our friendship to sugar coat anyone else's feelings. I cant pretend that the past 5 years doesnt affect me.....and because of all of that, I cant let you remain in my life. Not like this.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Pop you with my 9?
I absolurely love my neighborhood. Living in OTR (Over the Rhine for those of you who arent familar) makes me feel like Im in a mix between your local Cincinnati hood (which i feel like is damn near every block in the inner city) and the next artistic movement. It's different....escentric....something like myself so I've always really enjoyed living in the area....
Until recently.
Im not a scary individual but Im also not naive or dumb. I had a situation recently happen a block from my place that really has me shook and Im not exactly sure what to do about it.
I've been living in the same place for almost a year and a half and it is true that I got somewhat comfortable with the neighborhood. Not always aware of my surroundings and that's something I definitely need to change. But what is a female, living on her own, no family in the city, supposed to do when she fears her safety? I've never really been a fan of guns so I hate to say it, but Im REALLY considering getting my liscense to carry. My mother would probably kill me. But what are my other options? One friend told me to get a tazer.... "they're powerful, affective, and you wont need a liscense for it..."
But then a few other people have told me that a tazer wont do much....at least not to a larger man.
Until recently.
Im not a scary individual but Im also not naive or dumb. I had a situation recently happen a block from my place that really has me shook and Im not exactly sure what to do about it.
I've been living in the same place for almost a year and a half and it is true that I got somewhat comfortable with the neighborhood. Not always aware of my surroundings and that's something I definitely need to change. But what is a female, living on her own, no family in the city, supposed to do when she fears her safety? I've never really been a fan of guns so I hate to say it, but Im REALLY considering getting my liscense to carry. My mother would probably kill me. But what are my other options? One friend told me to get a tazer.... "they're powerful, affective, and you wont need a liscense for it..."
But then a few other people have told me that a tazer wont do much....at least not to a larger man.
Karate classes? Tae kwon doe? Jujitsu? Anyone out there with any options for me?.... I really dont want to have to get a gun o_O
On the other hand, I almost wonder if Im making a big deal out of nothing.....Okay I really dont think that at all. IMMMM SCURRREDDDD *Mr. Brown's voice* *serious face*
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Inner Joy
I love my family. And when I say that I love them....I really mean, I love the hell out of my family. You're probably reading this thinking "doesnt everyone?" but I really love every single person in my family to pieces. If I could hug and squeeze em all tight enough for them to know it, I would. Everything I do is for them....like everything. And I'm not just talking about my mother, father, and sibling. I'm talking about every single one of my family members. All my aunts, uncles cousins, grandparents.... I live for them. Being here in Cincinnati without them sometimes gets me on the blue side of my emotions. Growing up my family was the most tight knitted family that I could have dreamt of. I am one of those people who is guilty of watching too much t.v. and expecting life to be like the Cosby's, Winslow's or hell....the Connor's (Roseanne for those who dont know....I LOVE THAT SHOW!!) My family definitely isnt what it use to be. As a kid my weekends consisted of slumber parties at my great grandmother's house with all of my cousin's.....making pallets on the living room floor watching Tles from the Crypt. Every holiday I knew everyone would reconnect at THE family house (something like Big Mama's House) and I knew that if I didnt have anyone else in this world, I had them. Every single one of them. I miss it all. I think about going back to those times, often.
I despise that I've missed multiple baby showers, my little cousin Howie's high school graduation (he might hate that I still call him that), my brother's first homecoming, my sister's kindergartner graduation, my dad's company picnics for the past 4 years (they go hard) and my family photo with my great grandma and all her grand-kids, Something needs to change!
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| "goons affiliated" was the caption Malon sent this with lol |
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| My diva |
I talked to my pops yesterday and he made me feel pretty good...as always....im such a daddy's girl. We were really shut shootin shit not really talking about anything important and he brought up a conversation him and my brother had the day before. I cant lie, I was initially nervous when he told me him and Malon had a talk about me. But he then proceeded to tell me some things that made feel like Im not so much of a failure as a big sister. Malon had told hime that he really appreciates me.....Im still taken back when I think about it. He told my dad that he appreciates the little things that I do....everything from my random text messages telling him he better be acting right or my foots in his ass, to the intiative ive taken to get to know his girlfriend (once again via FB...hey, I gotta make sure she isnt some type of hussy trying to catch my brother up in any tye of nonsense #SUEme.) I cant lie, I thought my dad was telling me some type of fiblet but then my brother reached out and told me he missed me and that he wants to come down and visit. That istantly put a smile on my face....and I hate to admit it, but it brought tears to my eyes. Im such a mush.
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| Sydney during her summer program at Ohio Dominican. My baby genius :) |
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| Malon and my Pops. First homecoming |
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| Morning beauties <3 |
Friday, August 13, 2010
Unforgivable
I had a dream last night about my sperm donor. It was about my life up to date and it was the realist dream I've ever had. It woke me up with tears and all I could do was be pissed at myself because I instantly realized where I had learned to love a man who clearly loves me but treated/treats me like shit. He chose the bottle over me. Chose the streets over me. The women, the lifestyle. His baby girl was left defenseless and fatherless. Its just like a man to come into my life, leave an impression and then leave when its convenient. I don't exactly know why I have allowed this man to come in and affect me in any way being that his fuck up was another man's treasure and gift. My father, Dondi A. Smith, took me on as his own when he was only sixteen years old. I think back on what exactly I was doing when I was sixteen, and a lot of shit comes to mind, but I couldn't even fathom raising a child.....that wasn't mine....shit, I couldn't fathom doing that now. He has never questioned being in my life and he allowed me to be daddy's little girl....I'm still that curly haired girl crazy giddy about him.
I dont want it to come across as though I hate the one who wasn't there, because I don't. I actually always left a place in my life for him....when he wanted to decide to be there, I wasn't going to shut him out. Only thing is, he's been sober now for like 8 or 9 years...and he still int around. I thank God for my Aunt Steph (his sister) because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know that side of my family. Its only because of her that I see him when we're both around on holidays.
Ill continue to pray that God brings peace to my heart on this situation.
I wrote this in high school and recently came across it:
Shallow goodbyes
Emotions and realism drowning
in a life that you began to choose,
but now has chosen you...
tight grips of invisibility wrapped around your ankles as you walk out into the shadows
for the time now that has been out counted.
Every blue moon rarely comes around
with you in its light.
Moist tears on the skin doesn't seem to be wet enough
and the pain in my cries doesn't seem to cut deep enough
you chose your other love.
my smiles weren't bright enough
my touch wasn't soft enough
your first born, your only baby girl was left in the dark.
left for a bottle.
The smell is unbearable,
the smell of death on your breath as you whisper, "you will always be daddy's little princess"
black in your eyes as you turn to say goodbye
eyes screaming to be free as the demon begins to come over you
....you no longer know yourself, no longer wanting to cling to me
leaving behind what you know to an endless pit.
I can hear your screams coming from a mouth that doesn't move.
your soul speaks to me...
begging and pleading, but your soul hasn't been set free.
A battle with the worlds, a war that began with you...
and only you can end.
The following is a piece I wrote my freshman year of college. the previous spoke about a man who caused pain in my life...and this one speaks about one who takes the pain away.... bare with me...it started as a poem and then my emotions just sort of ran all over the paper and it became thoughts:
Daddy's Little Girl
So tender and so young
new to the world, trying to set footsteps in the sand as I'm followed by the sun
with only a mother by my side, I'm only following one pair....did I really need 2?
A father is what you are to me,
Daddy's little girl is what I've been.
A smile slapped to my face from the beginning as you started out as my magician, my friend
Turning red lights to green was only the beginning,
as your magic began to make my world spin
I went from being a curly haired little girl,
to Daddy's little princess, being introduced to the new world
teaching me right from wrong, and showing me a REAL life...
never leaving me alone.
Im loving life right now, 13 years later...
with no doubt in my mind that you will always stand behind me
I still shed tears for the pain I feel I may have once caused
Thinking the route of blood was the best
finding that I was wrong and you were right
I have learned over these years that the water between us has changed
the blood that runs through your veins, is now running through mine
I appreciate and am greatly grateful for the father that I have
I am truly blessed for the man that has ALWAYS been in my life
I live a life, as crazy as it may seem, that I would never want to be replaced
and I am happy to say that you are a part of that reason.
I love you and I will always be Daddy's little girl
I dont want it to come across as though I hate the one who wasn't there, because I don't. I actually always left a place in my life for him....when he wanted to decide to be there, I wasn't going to shut him out. Only thing is, he's been sober now for like 8 or 9 years...and he still int around. I thank God for my Aunt Steph (his sister) because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know that side of my family. Its only because of her that I see him when we're both around on holidays.
Ill continue to pray that God brings peace to my heart on this situation.
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| The last pic I have of myself and John from 2007 |
I wrote this in high school and recently came across it:
Shallow goodbyes
Emotions and realism drowning
in a life that you began to choose,
but now has chosen you...
tight grips of invisibility wrapped around your ankles as you walk out into the shadows
for the time now that has been out counted.
Every blue moon rarely comes around
with you in its light.
Moist tears on the skin doesn't seem to be wet enough
and the pain in my cries doesn't seem to cut deep enough
you chose your other love.
my smiles weren't bright enough
my touch wasn't soft enough
your first born, your only baby girl was left in the dark.
left for a bottle.
The smell is unbearable,
the smell of death on your breath as you whisper, "you will always be daddy's little princess"
black in your eyes as you turn to say goodbye
eyes screaming to be free as the demon begins to come over you
....you no longer know yourself, no longer wanting to cling to me
leaving behind what you know to an endless pit.
I can hear your screams coming from a mouth that doesn't move.
your soul speaks to me...
begging and pleading, but your soul hasn't been set free.
A battle with the worlds, a war that began with you...
and only you can end.
The following is a piece I wrote my freshman year of college. the previous spoke about a man who caused pain in my life...and this one speaks about one who takes the pain away.... bare with me...it started as a poem and then my emotions just sort of ran all over the paper and it became thoughts:
Daddy's Little Girl
So tender and so young
new to the world, trying to set footsteps in the sand as I'm followed by the sun
with only a mother by my side, I'm only following one pair....did I really need 2?
A father is what you are to me,
Daddy's little girl is what I've been.
A smile slapped to my face from the beginning as you started out as my magician, my friend
Turning red lights to green was only the beginning,
as your magic began to make my world spin
I went from being a curly haired little girl,
to Daddy's little princess, being introduced to the new world
teaching me right from wrong, and showing me a REAL life...
never leaving me alone.
Im loving life right now, 13 years later...
with no doubt in my mind that you will always stand behind me
I still shed tears for the pain I feel I may have once caused
Thinking the route of blood was the best
 |
| My mother, my father and myself :) my rocks<3 |
I have learned over these years that the water between us has changed
the blood that runs through your veins, is now running through mine
I appreciate and am greatly grateful for the father that I have
I am truly blessed for the man that has ALWAYS been in my life
I live a life, as crazy as it may seem, that I would never want to be replaced
and I am happy to say that you are a part of that reason.
I love you and I will always be Daddy's little girl
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
....I Just Crush A lot
Who remembers the days when dating was so simple? When liking someone didn't have to be so difficult.... "I like you, you like me....match made in heaven." High school.... those were the days. The days when barriers and the great wall of China didn't have to be up to protect the fragile, no quite mature, heart. I'm feeling like a kid again. It's been some years since Ive had butterflies or blushed at the thought or sight of that certain someone; I'm beginning to feel that way. I have a damn crush. I'm 22 years old with a crush?!?! WTH?! However, Greek Proverbs says, "A heart that loves is always young."
It's a sticky situation. I've never been a fan of turning good friends into lovers, being the last time I did that I lost a best friend when things went sour. I don't exactly know what to do :-/ I wonder if one of those letters that had the "check yes or no box" at the bottom would work???....only via email, twitter, or FB....sadly, that was a serious question o_0 *sigh* I'm such a sap.
The dynamics of dating definitely changes once we're no longer children. It's really unfortunate that the first thought that crosses my mind when I'm interested in someone is "What's his motive?" I really despise being defensive and protective. I'm a free spirit, and I hate to sound like a hippie but I wish the love could just flow. Let's make love, not war. I don't want to be tainted by the last and possibly ruin having someone in my life that's all around amazing. He makes me smile, blush, giggle, nervous, giddy. I'm like a moth being drawn into the flame. I've been burnt by that fire before, but I'm willing to take the chances of being hurt again *crossing fingers*. I find myself even really enjoying the things he does, and not just because he does it.....I want to be his muse. (I'm trying to find every metaphor possible, if you cant tell).
Not being mentally available for the past year definitely has me needing to take Dating 101 all over again. Maybe someone out there can give me a few tips?
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