How do you know when to move on and let go of the thought " he/she is going to be my husband/wife someday"? How do you know when to let go of the memories of bliss that the two of you seemed to dwell in at one point in time?
I feel like such a girl when I say this,... I dont know how. I dont know how to cut him completely out of my life, I dont know how to let go of the memories, I dont know how to stop loving his family like they're my own, I dont know how to be more angry from the pain he caused then happy from the smiles he put on my face. Or maybe I dont want to?
It's going on two years since its ended and I dont know why or even how he can still be in my mental. How he was and still is able to affect my daily life. From things that he said that were hurtful and will probably always remain in the back of my mind (hopefully not always) to the things that he said he loved about me that keeps me going as the person he met and knew.
Ive gone a week and three days without speaking to him....which is quite a long time when we normally talk everyday. I dont know why Ive taken the stance of not speaking to him. I mean....I kinda know why. A convo...it sparked old, hurt feelings... got my wheels turning in the negative way it did when we first split... I ran. Now, like I always do, Im second guessing my decision.
I dont even know what I expect from him. I thought it was just friendship....just having him there in my life....having my best friend back....(he was my best friend before he was ever a lover). But five years later.....five years he's been in my life, and I dont know if I can just have him in my life as a friend. I battled LONG with what other, important, people in my life would think if I went back. And after all this time, after all this bullshit, after all these mixed emotions and this crazy dumb game of tug-a-war.....i dont care. I dont care what my mother has to say, or my best friend....I dont even care what the egotistical side of Jocelyn has to say. No one knows the love that him and I had......have.... no one will ever understand.
Maybe Im dumb.
I dont want to let go. I never have. I love you and I always will. But I cant play second fiddle to what ever you feel is more important than me. I cant hide or lie about our friendship to sugar coat anyone else's feelings. I cant pretend that the past 5 years doesnt affect me.....and because of all of that, I cant let you remain in my life. Not like this.
No comments:
Post a Comment