Go easy.

Eventually we arrive at a place in our lives where we let go of the fear of losing people we hold near and dear to our hearts. We let go of the expectations and we stop trying to dig for clues and explanations of why people are in our lives and why they do the things they do. We begin to accept them for who they are and the role they've played for us. We bury people. No matter who they are. Family, friend, enemy. At least we should learn to. Well....I'll speak for myself. Ive arrived at such a place.

Arriving in a place where Jocelyn makes Jocelyn happier than anyone else was ever been capable of doing. It's bliss. Being okay and in love with the idea of being alone is the happiest place I've ever been. Living for ME and finding self gratification in something so "simple" has opened my eyes to beautiful things about myself that I once thought were flaws. I stand alone. With only the hand of GOD'S fingers laced between my own. Ive never identified myself as a religious individual.... but spiritual, I Am.

Ive stopped placing people on pedestals. Ive allowed people to have flaws. I remember some years back, someone who was the closest to me, someone I had compared others to, someone I had believed was an example of how people should be....let me down. My world crashed. My expectations of homosapiens crumbled before me. I didn't have that shiny trophy of a person to guide me. That high position they held became one hell of a place. That was my life lesson, that we're all human, bound to make mistakes. Sounds cliche I know. But that was MY reality.

My reality as of current: Live for me. For my expectations. Dancing like no one is watching. I find fulfillment and pleasure in appeasing myself and holding myself to one hell of a standard.

NP: Renegade- Kings of Convenience

Women Vs. Men in Relationships

Pretty self explanatory....and funny....

Can I live?

Deciding my next move has been quite the challenge.



You know, ideally, we go to college, graduate and hopefully receive some sort of job offer that we feel is good enough for what we've been told we should expect and deserve...and start a family and all that jazz. It's been a little over a year since I've graduated and it seems as though my eyes are just now opening up to the reality of things. That career I felt I was entitled to (along with a number of people I graduated with) has yet to come. But even though I'm not in societies "ideal" situation, I'm happy. A little stressed and confused about this relocation that's about to take place, but nonetheless, happy! 6 years ago when I was in my Senior year of high school I might have told any of you that I'd be half way through med school, married by now...or at least engaged, looking forward to baby #1 in the next couple of years. HA! I cant even imagine. lol smh. As I look at the situation (situation being my life).... that's so not me anymore. Not to say I don't want that for myself at some point in my life, but right now? No way. Apparently, there were some classes I missed out on in college or I missed out on the memo about this whole marriage and baby thing. I'm out here holding my breath in fear that it's all in the air 0_o. EVERYONE is getting hitched and starting families. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, because there's absolutely nothing wrong. I guess...I'm just not there? lol. I feel like the kid in class that was a little slower than the rest with maturing *shrugs*





I know what I want out of life. But at this very moment, where do I want to be? I cant answer that question. I thought the position I just resigned from was it but it wasn't. And I wish people would stop asking. This is my life. My decisions don't/ aren't effecting anyone the last time I checked. And...I'm happy :) So, on that note, I'll continue to be the bridesmaid...however, I will scream if I have to buy another dress in the next year. And I'll continue being "Auntie Jocelyn" loving all my beautiful God-kids, living vicariously through all the people around me from afar (I hear baby fever is real), with my suitcase packed and a glass of wine in hand. 


Oh and wish me luck on the adventure I'm starting. This should be extremely fun, entertaining, and....interesting to say the least. I'll be sure to update posts on my next location.

Ciao.

This Is Love

Sweet kisses of bullshit and lies placed on my back,

smacked and beaten, my feelings and thoughts have been for years,

but beyond these tears of despair and self hate is a small light of hope.

Buried beneath shit and bruises, trying to cope with the reality of my life. The way I walk and the way I talk....this isn't the real me.

Silent screams fill the dryness of my muffled room. 

Each step I take towards the shadows places a distance between me and reality.

But you don't notice.

You don't notice that the woman you fell in love with no longer lives,

She died a long time ago after questions were never answered, tears were never dried, and bruises never healed.

Your sharp tongue pealed back my skin,

unveiling a creature I've never known,

I'm weak.

Falling to my knees after every sentence.

Thinking how much bliss it was to be in you presence

and how quickly things changed over time.

What is love?

After every raised hand, you remind me of how much you love me,

holding me late into the night as I hold my breath,

enjoying my cheek on your chest.

Just for that second.

This is love.

holding on.

Is this love?

God's Favor

A coworker of mine (also a good friend since I was about 14) and I have amazing talks every morning before we start our day. She's an amazing woman of God and I admire her in ways I don't think she even knows. This morning we had a great talk about God's favor and she showed me a different way of looking at the things I have been battling with eternally.

"When you are favored by God you are that light and seemingly special person to most . However, favor is unfair. And though most would love to have that “it’ factor as you do, it becomes a form of jealousy if they do not have a healthy image of themselves in Christ. I am recently learning that most people will not like you. As a child of God living in a world mostly ruled by those under satan’s power, I have learned to accept the fact that I am peculiar and this is why I will  most likely not be accepted by many. In fact, if you are liked by everyone then you may not be as potent of a Christian as you think. I constantly remind myself that I am content being an audience of one and I am of no reputation. Meaning, I can careless what people think of me. Jesus was the Messiah and many hated Him; so what makes you think you are that special to not experience that same treatment. One factor many followers of Christ ignore is that if you live for Him YOU WILL BE PERSECUTED!! If you stand firm in your relationship with God, He will give you the opportunity daily to purify yourself of the things that are in your character that are not of Him. This doesn’t mean you should not accept constructive criticism from other believers in the body of Christ, because those who hate correction are fools. But don’t change who you are to be accepted by the world. Know who you are and who you are in Christ and live to fulfill His purpose for you."

Be not conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind daily. -Romans 12:2

Blah.

Ever had so much to say but not exactly knowing how to say it without hurting someone keeps you from saying it? Yea, that's been my life for the past 2 weeks. 


They say blood is thicker than water. I don't know about alladat. 


And that's where I'll leave this. 

Blah.

Learning to Let Go.

This past month has been one of the most emotionally draining times I've had in a very long time. In a matter of three days I managed to lose my great grandfather, better known as Pops, and my great aunt. The fact that my great grandmother lost her husband who's been in her life since she was like 12 (if not younger) and her only sister/ best friend, really breaks my heart.

I've been blessed to have grown up knowing all of my grandparents and great grandparents. But reality is hitting me that I'm older and my family is getting older. All of those individuals that were a major impact in my up bringing are getting older and it's a difficult pill to swallow that I'm beginning to lose those people. It's unfortunate, but true nonetheless, that death makes people reevaluate their lives and refocus. It's a reminder that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and to live every day like it's your last. It's hard for me to imagine the people I use to spend weekends and holidays with not being around for my children (if I ever decide to have any). Weekend slumber parties at great grandma's house wont be something my children get to experience. Enjoying the electricity in the air at one of Pops' fight parties wont be an option and it's difficult enough to know that I wont experience that anymore

My great grandmother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and told she only has 6months to live about two months ago. How do you squeeze in years of time you thought you had with someone in a matter of 6months? There are too many holiday dinners, family reunions, movie nights, birthdays, Sundays at church that I have to experience before I'm ready to let her go. Guess it's not my story to write but doesn't God understand the difficulty in losing someone you'd give your own life for?

I'm praying for peace and acceptance in letting go. I feel like this is just the calm before the storm.

Rest in heaven, Pops. you'll forever be missed<3