Grounded

To be free.

Arms stretched- wings open,

Me --- accepting all

Grasping MY reality.

Accepting the things I thought defined me-- all lies.

Accepting that my life definition won't appease most,

Sitting on a high horse to boast about my findings of what you define as "happiness."

I'm free-- or at least freeing.

My love. My spirit. My energy. My everything.

Can I dance? 

These wings open to the sky,

To fly would be impossible.

I'm not meant to leave the ground, for I am bound and weighed down-- too much to fly. 

But let me dance.

Blissfully entangled in my web of reality.

Stretching free, moon high, please climb with me.

Let's dance my dance on this dirt. Feel the earth. Between toes. 

Lets be free. 

Flowers

It takes a strong mind. A disciplined one. To wake up with a smile, greet your reflection with a smile.... Connect with others with what you have. Happiness. I'll speak for myself when I say, I was taught at a young age to allow people and things to create my happiness. Finding joy out of pleasing. But how many times did I look away from the person I effected positively and was unhappy with... Me? Too many to count. This past year has been a growth journey  for me and for the first time in my life I can say... I'm happy with Jocelyn. Really happy is an understatement but I haven't exactly found a way to put it into words. People and things only add to my joy. 

I'd rather have a flower in my hair than diamonds around my neck💋

Heart cry.

What to do when the heart cries for what the mind created? Like forgetting how to fly. I know I can...yet I can't get off the ground. The smile on my face grows heavy. Even with the hope of more fish sustains the flame ....yet again, why does the heart cry for what's created in the brain? 

Digging

As time passes and hearts heal.... I'm reminded of the fragile state of happiness. I search for quiet places that good memories can come to surface, smiles can be remembered and curve the lips upward... If only for a short time. Swinging. Sitting in this tree swing with only the sound of a nearby cricket and the clicking of my keyboard as I type, I remember how loud silence can actually be. It's only so long reality of things we wished were only fiction can be pushed far enough back to never come to surface. If only we could program our minds to remember all the good and trash the bad. Never to think twice again about decisions we could've made differently, the regrets we say to the public we don't regret but in fact wish we could go back and change. I'm digging again. Digging for a happy place. 

Go easy.

Eventually we arrive at a place in our lives where we let go of the fear of losing people we hold near and dear to our hearts. We let go of the expectations and we stop trying to dig for clues and explanations of why people are in our lives and why they do the things they do. We begin to accept them for who they are and the role they've played for us. We bury people. No matter who they are. Family, friend, enemy. At least we should learn to. Well....I'll speak for myself. Ive arrived at such a place.

Arriving in a place where Jocelyn makes Jocelyn happier than anyone else was ever been capable of doing. It's bliss. Being okay and in love with the idea of being alone is the happiest place I've ever been. Living for ME and finding self gratification in something so "simple" has opened my eyes to beautiful things about myself that I once thought were flaws. I stand alone. With only the hand of GOD'S fingers laced between my own. Ive never identified myself as a religious individual.... but spiritual, I Am.

Ive stopped placing people on pedestals. Ive allowed people to have flaws. I remember some years back, someone who was the closest to me, someone I had compared others to, someone I had believed was an example of how people should be....let me down. My world crashed. My expectations of homosapiens crumbled before me. I didn't have that shiny trophy of a person to guide me. That high position they held became one hell of a place. That was my life lesson, that we're all human, bound to make mistakes. Sounds cliche I know. But that was MY reality.

My reality as of current: Live for me. For my expectations. Dancing like no one is watching. I find fulfillment and pleasure in appeasing myself and holding myself to one hell of a standard.

NP: Renegade- Kings of Convenience

Women Vs. Men in Relationships

Pretty self explanatory....and funny....

Can I live?

Deciding my next move has been quite the challenge.



You know, ideally, we go to college, graduate and hopefully receive some sort of job offer that we feel is good enough for what we've been told we should expect and deserve...and start a family and all that jazz. It's been a little over a year since I've graduated and it seems as though my eyes are just now opening up to the reality of things. That career I felt I was entitled to (along with a number of people I graduated with) has yet to come. But even though I'm not in societies "ideal" situation, I'm happy. A little stressed and confused about this relocation that's about to take place, but nonetheless, happy! 6 years ago when I was in my Senior year of high school I might have told any of you that I'd be half way through med school, married by now...or at least engaged, looking forward to baby #1 in the next couple of years. HA! I cant even imagine. lol smh. As I look at the situation (situation being my life).... that's so not me anymore. Not to say I don't want that for myself at some point in my life, but right now? No way. Apparently, there were some classes I missed out on in college or I missed out on the memo about this whole marriage and baby thing. I'm out here holding my breath in fear that it's all in the air 0_o. EVERYONE is getting hitched and starting families. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, because there's absolutely nothing wrong. I guess...I'm just not there? lol. I feel like the kid in class that was a little slower than the rest with maturing *shrugs*





I know what I want out of life. But at this very moment, where do I want to be? I cant answer that question. I thought the position I just resigned from was it but it wasn't. And I wish people would stop asking. This is my life. My decisions don't/ aren't effecting anyone the last time I checked. And...I'm happy :) So, on that note, I'll continue to be the bridesmaid...however, I will scream if I have to buy another dress in the next year. And I'll continue being "Auntie Jocelyn" loving all my beautiful God-kids, living vicariously through all the people around me from afar (I hear baby fever is real), with my suitcase packed and a glass of wine in hand. 


Oh and wish me luck on the adventure I'm starting. This should be extremely fun, entertaining, and....interesting to say the least. I'll be sure to update posts on my next location.

Ciao.