Learning to Let Go.

This past month has been one of the most emotionally draining times I've had in a very long time. In a matter of three days I managed to lose my great grandfather, better known as Pops, and my great aunt. The fact that my great grandmother lost her husband who's been in her life since she was like 12 (if not younger) and her only sister/ best friend, really breaks my heart.

I've been blessed to have grown up knowing all of my grandparents and great grandparents. But reality is hitting me that I'm older and my family is getting older. All of those individuals that were a major impact in my up bringing are getting older and it's a difficult pill to swallow that I'm beginning to lose those people. It's unfortunate, but true nonetheless, that death makes people reevaluate their lives and refocus. It's a reminder that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and to live every day like it's your last. It's hard for me to imagine the people I use to spend weekends and holidays with not being around for my children (if I ever decide to have any). Weekend slumber parties at great grandma's house wont be something my children get to experience. Enjoying the electricity in the air at one of Pops' fight parties wont be an option and it's difficult enough to know that I wont experience that anymore

My great grandmother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and told she only has 6months to live about two months ago. How do you squeeze in years of time you thought you had with someone in a matter of 6months? There are too many holiday dinners, family reunions, movie nights, birthdays, Sundays at church that I have to experience before I'm ready to let her go. Guess it's not my story to write but doesn't God understand the difficulty in losing someone you'd give your own life for?

I'm praying for peace and acceptance in letting go. I feel like this is just the calm before the storm.

Rest in heaven, Pops. you'll forever be missed<3

VENI VIDI VICI

Big ups to the Roman Emperor Julius Caesar.... "I came, I saw, I conquered"


UC.....it's been real!

Dont Swing My Way

Maybe someone can help me out with this one.....what is the point of an open relationship when married??? I've recently had a number of conversations with individuals who are married, male and female, that are into the whole swinging thing.... now...rumor has it, Will and Jada have lasted as long as they have because they're swingers. Is it really that difficult these days to be in a happy, committed marriage without having to step that far out of the box?

I've lost count of the times I've been invited into a marriage for the night. They want to wine and dine me and then....yea, you know the rest. Judge me if you like, but the only way I'd even consider it is if I've been provided a day at the spa, a nice brazilain wax, teeth whitened, a new fit for the occassion and was STILL compensated for my services,.... and another compensation for the disclosure agreement they'd have to agree to. What I look like??? Believe me when I say, no one can afford me. Especially with the drama that is sure to follow.... I'm pretty addictive.

I can kind of understand having sex with the same person for the rest of your life can get redundant, but as the territorial woman that I am, I wish a *bleep* would even dream of touching my HUSBAND. I know many of you have seen the episode of The Game when Melanie was trying to spice up the sex life in her marriage by bringing a third party to the bedroom. At the end of the day, she kicked the trick out. Why? Because the sight of another woman with her man made her sick.

I'll pass with that whole idea, whether I'm the wife or the third party. Anyone out there who thinks differently??

The Funnel of Injustice




My attempt to Make a Chart....The Funnel of Injustice

 


So, I just left a class of mine that really burnt my toast. The discussion today was about the Criminal "Justice" system, and it was incredibly mind blowing to hear so many people feel so strongly about a topic that’s very clear they truly know nothing about.




Let me just say that I do believe there are individuals who commit crimes who should be imprisoned and that’s that. But lets look at the reality of prisons. First, they are seen in the economic world as gold mines. Corporations such as Victoria's Secret, Microsoft, Starbucks, Lee Jeans, and Nintendo (just to name a few) all make money using prison labor. Yes, you read that correctly. Your cute little Vicki Secret thong was mass produced by prisoners who don’t have to be paid minimum wage, who aren’t provided with health benefits, or covered by worker's comp.


 I read an article that has this crazy chart showing the differences in the amount spent on an inmate vs. the amount that teachers are paid (CRAZY CHART) <
Okay, another little stat, I learned in my Black Adolescent Male class, that only 33% of young black males are graduating from high school in Cincinnati. So we look at the fact that there really isn’t that much of a gap between the salary of a teacher here in the state of Ohio and the cost of keeping someone incarcerated and we begin to make sense of all this nonsense. Everyone would have to be completely oblivious to society if they didn’t agree with me when I say, the media has its way of creating a face for crime, and that face is the face of a black man. People of color are disproportionately arrested. Society has already taken it upon itself to believe the stereotype that black men are violent and criminals. That stereotype the mass media has fed into leads to people placing more money into prisons, and essentially leaving our school systems without the proper funding. It's a vicious cycle.


Not So Fun Fact:
*Possession of 500 grams of powder cocaine is a minimum sentence of 5years
*Possession of any amount of crack cocaine is mandatory minimum sentence of 5years


Questions to ask yourself:
Who is more likely to have possesion of crack cocain? Who is more like to have possession of powder cocaine?
How much is 500 grams? A: OVER A POUND!
So you mean to tell me, I can have over a pound of powder cocaine and a gram of crack cocaine and I'm gonna go to jail for the same amount of time? hmmmm...okay.


I guess I just said all of that to get everyone's wheels turning, get some dialogue going, and to make people want to be conscious about how our Criminal "Justice" systems are and how it really is affecting society and the economy. White collar crimes, such as fraud and embezzlement cost more than robberies, burglaries, and auto theft combined, yet they are less likely to be detected or even seen as criminals.


All of that was just FOOD FOR THOUGHT.


Good day people.

Letting Go...

How do you know when to move on and let go of the thought " he/she is going to be my husband/wife someday"? How do you know when to let go of the memories of bliss that the two of you seemed to dwell in at one point in time?

I feel like such a girl when I say this,... I dont know how. I dont know how to cut him completely out of my life, I dont know how to let go of the memories, I dont know how to stop loving his family like they're my own, I dont know how to be more angry from the pain he caused then happy from the smiles he put on my face. Or maybe I dont want to?

It's going on two years since its ended and I dont know why or even how he can still be in my mental. How he was and still is able to affect my daily life. From things that he said that were hurtful and will probably always remain in the back of my mind (hopefully not always) to the things that he said he loved about me that keeps me going as the person he met and knew.

Ive gone a week and three days without speaking to him....which is quite a long time when we normally talk everyday. I dont know why Ive taken the stance of not speaking to him. I mean....I kinda know why. A convo...it sparked old, hurt feelings... got my wheels turning in the negative way it did when we first split... I ran. Now, like I always do, Im second guessing my decision.

I dont even know what I expect from him. I thought it was just friendship....just having him there in my life....having my best friend back....(he was my best friend before he was ever a lover). But five years later.....five years he's been in my life, and I dont know if I can just have him in my life as a friend. I battled LONG with what other, important, people in my life would think if I went back. And after all this time, after all this bullshit, after all these mixed emotions and this crazy dumb game of tug-a-war.....i dont care. I dont care what my mother has to say, or my best friend....I dont even care what the egotistical side of Jocelyn has to say. No one knows the love that him and I had......have.... no one will ever understand.

Maybe Im dumb.


I dont want to let go. I never have. I love you and I always will. But I cant play second fiddle to what ever you feel is more important than me. I cant hide or lie about our friendship to sugar coat anyone else's feelings. I cant pretend that the past 5 years doesnt affect me.....and because of all of that, I cant let you remain in my life. Not like this.

Pop you with my 9?

I absolurely love my neighborhood. Living in OTR (Over the Rhine for those of you who arent familar) makes me feel like Im in a mix between your local Cincinnati hood (which i feel like is damn near every block in the inner city) and the next artistic movement. It's different....escentric....something like myself so I've always really enjoyed living in the area....

Until recently.

Im not a scary individual but Im also not naive or dumb. I had a situation recently happen a block from my place that really has me shook and Im not exactly sure what to do about it.

I've been living in the same place for almost a year and a half and it is true that I got somewhat comfortable with the neighborhood. Not always aware of my surroundings and that's something I definitely need to change. But what is a female, living on her own, no family in the city, supposed to do when she fears her safety? I've never really been a fan of guns so I hate to say it, but Im REALLY considering getting my liscense to carry. My mother would probably kill me. But what are my other options? One friend told me to get a tazer.... "they're powerful, affective, and you wont need a liscense for it..."

But then a few other people have told me that a tazer wont do much....at least not to a larger man.

Karate classes? Tae kwon doe? Jujitsu? Anyone out there with any options for me?.... I really dont want to have to get a gun o_O

On the other hand, I almost wonder if Im making a big deal out of nothing.....Okay I really dont think that at all. IMMMM SCURRREDDDD *Mr. Brown's voice* *serious face*

My Inner Joy

I love my family. And when I say that I love them....I really mean, I love the hell out of my family. You're probably reading this thinking "doesnt everyone?" but I really love every single person in my family to pieces. If I could hug and squeeze em all tight enough for them to know it, I would. Everything I do is for them....like everything. And I'm not just talking about my mother, father, and sibling. I'm talking about every single one of my family members. All my aunts, uncles cousins, grandparents.... I live for them. Being here in Cincinnati without  them sometimes gets me on the blue side of my emotions. Growing up my family was the most tight knitted family  that I could have dreamt of. I am one of those people who is guilty of watching too much t.v. and expecting life to be like the Cosby's, Winslow's or hell....the Connor's (Roseanne for those who dont know....I LOVE THAT SHOW!!) My family definitely isnt what it use to be. As a kid my weekends consisted of slumber parties at my great grandmother's house with all of my cousin's.....making pallets on the living room floor watching Tles from the Crypt.  Every holiday I knew everyone would reconnect at THE family house (something like Big Mama's House) and I knew that if I didnt have anyone else in this world, I had them. Every single one of them. I miss it all. I think about going back to those times, often.

I despise that I've missed multiple baby showers, my little cousin Howie's high school graduation (he might hate that I still call him that), my brother's first homecoming, my sister's kindergartner graduation,  my dad's company picnics for the past 4 years (they go hard) and my family photo with my great grandma and all her grand-kids, Something needs to change!

"goons affiliated" was the caption Malon sent this with lol

My diva

When I think of my family the one major soft spot that I have is for my brother, Malon and baby sister, Sydney. I wish I could see their faces every day; I havent seen them since February. They are the only two people in this world that can turn my day completely around when I just hear their voices. It saddens me when I think about how I'm not there for them right now. I'm not apart of anything that either one of them are doing, I dont get to experience those highlighted moments in their lives, and sometimes I wonder if they feel neglected. May sound silly but I'm the oldest, which essentially means I was like mommy #2 growing up. In GA with just my mom, I had some serious responsibilty, and Malon and Sydney were my shadows. So to go from being there everyday to help my brother with his homework, change my sister's diapers, make dinner for them and put them to bed on those nights when my mother was working her third job of the day, and then going to only seeing them a few times a year, it makes me feel like I'm failing as a big sister. I feel a certain kind of way that I didnt know my sister was playing the piano until two months down the line....or that I find out about all of my brother's teenage "issues" via Facebook.

I talked to my pops yesterday and he made me feel pretty good...as always....im such a daddy's  girl. We were really shut shootin shit not really talking about anything important and he brought up a conversation him and my brother had the day before. I cant lie, I was initially nervous when he told me him and Malon had a talk about me. But he then proceeded to tell me some things that made feel like Im not so much of a failure as a big sister. Malon had told hime that he really appreciates me.....Im still taken back when I think about it. He told my dad that he appreciates the little things that I do....everything from my random text messages telling him he better be acting right or my foots in his ass, to the intiative ive taken to get to know his girlfriend (once again via FB...hey, I gotta make sure she isnt some type of hussy trying to catch my brother up in any tye of nonsense #SUEme.) I cant lie, I thought my dad was telling me some type of fiblet but then my brother reached out and told me he missed me and that he wants to come down and visit. That istantly put a smile on my face....and I hate to admit it, but it brought tears to my eyes. Im such a mush.

Sydney during her summer program at Ohio Dominican. My baby genius :)

Even though my family isn't as close as we all use to be, I just hope they all know that I'm loving them even harder than I ever have before. Words cant describe how much I truly value them I wish we all weren't so spread apart.... Ohio, Georgia, Cali.... we need a family reunion ASAP.

Malon and my Pops. First homecoming

Morning beauties <3